Have you ever hit this point where you knew everything relied on you but you can’t move? You need to run, but your feet are stuck.
I know many will understand and many won’t, but that’s where I’ve been. Staring at the work I should be doing and being unable to move, because of guilt, exhaustion, a blow to my passion from how the year has gone. I get anxiety and can’t sleep. I get up to try and work… only to stare painfully at the computer, unable to think, unable to focus, unable to process even step one of any of my dozens of to-do lists.
There’s been a lot of questions recently. Like people wanting paperback editions of Kaliya and Jacky for the recent releases. You don’t have them yet not because of Amazon, but because of me. I do those covers. I format the books. I literally haven’t made them yet. Audiobooks? Erika and the lovely narrators have been doing their best, I’m the one who hasn’t been doing my pieces of it when I need to be.
Let’s not even get into writing. I can tell you I have written practically nothing worth publishing in the month of July and we’ll just leave it at all.
And Patreon? Oh man, the guilt I feel. I had such big plans for this year. I was so excited and now… I lie awake, paralyzed by anxiety because I made this big thing and it’s been… I can’t say a failure because it seems my lovely supporters like what they have gotten, but I feel like a failure.
Today, I am going to try and hit the reset button. Start small by posting some things to Patreon, and probably trimming Patreon back down. Going back to the basics of the tiers, and some other changes. I’m going to try and write Tainted Blood and send it to my editor before it’s too late and I need to push the release back again. I might even get a Jacky 9 preorder up in August (which is still planned for January 2023.)
I don’t really know what to say except I’m sorry and also… thank you. Thank you for continuing to stand beside me while I go through this. My mental health took a nose dive after my physical health did what it did. I’m coming out of it. I think I needed to be entirely checked out for a while but that doesn’t make me feel less guilty for it. Let’s hope the upward trend continues and I can keep this momentum and finally get back on track.