I’ve resisted writing a blog or posting an update for 10 days. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a whining, complaining child. So I resisted. But, considering how the last 10 days have gone, an update might clear my head. It’s a lot of pity party, but you know… fuck it. Let’s have a pity party.
On March 17th, I checked in, I was put under, and a lovely doctor cut open my arm at the elbow and fiddled around. It’s honestly a common surgery. Ulnar nerve decompression (don’t look up images unless you are okay with surgical images).
But a common surgery is still a surgery and… well, having two working arms is immensely important for life.
In good news, I am not under a particularly large amount of pain. In fact, I’ve gotten by on purely ibuprofen (which I asked for. I didn’t want anything stronger, and my doctor/surgeon made sure I was certain with that when I requested it.)
On the flip side, there are things very uncomfortable. Daily, normal tasks are insanely difficult or impossible. Putting on a jacket. Sleeping in a normal position with my arm stable and elevated (and I’m a toss and turner when I sleep so hahahaha). Doing my own hair. My husband has done my ponytail every day since surgery, gods bless him. Lighting a cigarette takes two hands, fun fact (I mostly vape unless I’m really stressed). My husband has been, quite literally, my left hand for two weeks, especially when I need to bend the elbow any further than an inch. If I accidentally bend too much, I pay for it with soreness and annoyance. It’s impossible to avoid, but you know, you forget. The pain subsides just enough to forget about then you reach to fix your jacket and bend in the wrong way… -insert a lot of groaning and frustration- There’s more but I’ll leave it to imaginations to see what you go in life that requires two arms that bend at the elbow.
Typing is… hard. Particularly, typing a lot, my literal job, has been impossible. I hate it. I figured it would happen, but I hate it. In fact, I was ready for it to be the case, so I set up a long list of other stuff I’ve needed to get done.
I have finished… 2 things on that list in 10 days. I’m all sorts of out of whack. Sleep is hard. Being awake is hard. If the elbow doesn’t hurt like a bone bruise, it fucking ITCHES.
And after 10 days, I haven’t even seen the incision. When I woke up, I was already bandaged and ready to leave for my time “off” until followup. Follow up is in 2 days. I am hoping this wrap comes off permanently or gets replaced with something more mobile. The damn wrap is half the battle. It doesn’t allow me to slow bend any further than a certain point. It’s also tight and itchy and warm and I need to ice. I can’t wear a hoodie. Jacket, yes, but sometimes that’s too warm on the arm. But I remove it and that shoulder starts to freeze.
I’ve spent 10 days unable to be functional by myself, 10 days unable to be comfortable, 10 days of just keeping it raised most of the time to help with swelling.
And I know it’s so I heal correctly, but fuck. I hate it. I hate it so much I’ve gone missing to my own best and amazing friends. It’s really just been me and Nick the last 10 days because I hate this and he understands and he’s here helping me with everything, even the stupid stuff we forget is so easy in life. I am so happy he’s my husband right now because I am struggling. I hope I never have to do something like this again. Well if it does come about again, I’ll be more prepared for how it makes me feel.
So let’s keep our fingers cross for the follow up and an upward improvement in my mental state. Because that’s what’s killing me right now. I am… independent to a point of toxicity and I’ve lost that. Work is really important to me, but I can’t do it and that makes me feel like a failure.
But, it’s all to heal, and I know that. It helps. It doesn’t absolve my other feelings, but it helps. Everyone reminds me this is for the best and I don’t need the reminders, but I appreciate them because my brain is telling me I failed.
Patreon will get an update on Patreon. It shouldn’t be anything life changing. Just a small check in.
TLDR: I’m struggling a lot, but healing. After typing all of that, my elbow hurts. -sigh-